I am a 27-year-old woman going through a very inconvenient situation right now. I got to know R through an online dating app. We connected right away and eventually fell in love.
It has been two years now but things have started to move in a different direction.
We don’t meet often – about twice a month – since he has moved to Johor for work.
Once, we had an argument about the house payment. I love R but he is not very consistent when it comes to payment. I have helped him settle an outstanding payment of nearly RM15,000 with the bank once.
He then promised to pay on time from then on. That’s the reason he went to Johor, to earn more money.
But we are still having issues over these payments. I was so angry once that caused him to be so upset and it affected his work.
His superiors weren’t happy about it and they left him with a warning. He put the blame on me but later, took it back and admitted that it was his fault.
I apologised as well but that one incident has created a major issue between us. He told me that he has no love towards me anymore.
He only hates me now because I almost caused him his job and he fears what I might do next.
It broke my heart to hear that because when he was struggling with his finances and other matters, I was always there for him.
How could he say those things?
It has been nearly two months now and since I couldn’t take the hatred from him, I decided to leave.
I politely told him that it was time for us to go our separate ways but he refused. He doesn’t want to break up yet he doesn’t have any feelings for me either.
He asked me not to do anything for a while and focus on my work.
But when I asked him whether he still loves me, he said, “I don’t know”.
It hurt me so badly that I decided to leave him again but he is not letting me go.
This is draining my energy and I can’t pretend that everything is fine.
I am not really sure if this is common in a relationship, but I cry every day because of this. Please give me some advice on this.
You have two problems here – a relationship that isn’t working and outstanding loan. About the relationship, nobody has a right to keep anyone in a relationship against their will.
If you want to leave, you leave. Tell him once more firmly with a note or email that it’s over. If he can’t handle this like a decent adult, block him so you don’t have to deal with him.
As for the loan, I can’t tell if you gave the money while being prepared to write it off if he didn’t pay you back.
Perhaps you are very rich and this amount of money is spare change to you. If it is, it may be worth telling him it’s a gift and getting on with your life.
If you can’t afford to write it off, he will need to be in touch with your bank as he pays you back. There is no need for him to talk to you. Transfers are automated.
Should this man try and blackmail you into seeing him by withholding payment, see a lawyer immediately.
Remember, he has zero right to force you to keep in contact with him. You might also see a lawyer if your ex defaults on payments.
For yourself and a happier future, I strongly suggest you go and see a sensible mental health professional because I see lots of red flags in your letter. Did he actually say he hates you? If so, that is incredibly hurtful and quite unnecessary in an adult relationship.
I don’t like the way he blames others for his anger issues either. If he can’t control his emotions at work, that’s his problem, not yours.
Put it together with this nonsense of refusing to break up, and it adds up to a worrying picture. There are lots of decent men around and you deserve a partner who behaves with respect, kindness and maturity.
A few therapy sessions will help you tease out approaches that will help you pick a better boyfriend in the future.
Furthermore, you are crying every day, which worries me. If you’ve been sad and upset for over two weeks, ask to be assessed for depression.
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