Currently it’s 9.30pm on a Wednesday evening and all I want to do is sleep. It’s not even that I need it – though I do because I’m running on empty at this point – it’s that even if I wasn’t in dire need of it, sleep would be a preferred thing to do.
And that’s when I realised. Good gravy, I’m an adult.
Now, it shouldn’t be surprising, I am 40 after all, and I should’ve seen this coming a ways off because the signs have been there for years. You may have your own signs but here are my top four signs that let me know I was all growns up and growns up and growns up.
First sign: Amusement parks are definitely for kids.
Growing up, the most fun you could have in a day happened at Canada’s Wonderland. They had roller coasters, overpriced soft drinks, kitschy paper mache mountains, and lots of screaming, vomiting children.
It should’ve been obvious that no one over 30 goes near this place voluntarily but the idea latched onto me when I went back home a few years back, and so I returned to my childhood wonderland. We entered the park with the joy of children … and left in the kind of soul crushing misery only an adult can feel.
My friends and I went on two roller coasters, felt sick, wobbly, one friend actually cracked a rib – he was much too portly for the ride – so we ended up spending the rest of the day in the beer garden drinking beers that were even more overpriced than the soft drinks, while children grinned and vomited and had the time of their little lives.
I’m never going back to another amusement park.
Second sign: Discussion of how you would spend lottery winnings suddenly become much more financially sound.
Remember when you were growing up, and you and your friends would talk about winning the lottery, and the room would turn giddy with the talk of buying a hundred Super Nintendos, or a whole apartment block fitted with paintball guns and gear for a hundred people, or enough sour chews so that you would never have to eat a regular meal again?
Have you had that discussion lately?
Now when we talk about what we would do with our lottery winnings, my eyes glaze over thinking of buying a retail property and renting it to businesses.
Oooh, the fun of passive income. We talk about purchasing real estate in certain markets because that’s a sound investment, or simply paying off our credit cards.
Yeah, gone is the thinking about spending for fun – now it’s just about spending so that you can keep living.
Third Sign: Eating food you enjoy makes you feel guilty.
As a kid you’d attack a basket of candies, cakes, cupcakes, even just tablespoons of sugar right out of the packet with reckless abandon. Sugar, good!
These days when I scoop that teaspoon of sugar into my coffee in the morning, or eat an extra five slices of bacon, or gorge on a sticky date pudding after eating a huge bucket of popcorn, instead of sitting around feeling satisfied, all I feel is fatter and that I’ve probably traded minutes of my life for those dishes.
Yes, eating our favourite foods used to be fun but now it just reminds us of an early grave, or makes us feel bad the next time we try skinny jeans on and they don’t want to go up past our thighs thanks to the girth of our behinds.
OK, I’m using words like “our” and “us” but, really, I just mean me.
Fourth Sign: Music increasingly makes no sense.
I’ve fought this one hard. I never wanted to be some dinosaur preaching about how the music when I was a kid was a hotdog on a stick – meaning awesome! (Even though a hotdog on a stick is disgusting.)
I always tried to keep my musical tastes current, but more and more it just isn’t happening. Latest example: My friend says to give some of the new hip hop a shot and sends me a song called Raf. Raf is Raf Simons, a Belgian fashion designer beloved of showbiz and musician types. A designer so good that a rap group decided to make a song to advertise his brand without even getting paid for it.
Although, I guess they’re getting paid for their song. Which I cannot bring myself to like. It’s that new school hip hop where the rapper sounds bored, like he’s reciting a list of things he has to do tomorrow, over a beat that is ominously creepy like the soundtrack from a 1980s horror flick. I don’t get it. But I guess I’m not supposed to.
So there it is. If you haven’t noticed these four signs in your life yet, well then, go celebrate being young.
And if this list makes any sense to you, check your watch, because it’s probably past your bedtime, grandpa.
Catch Jason Godfrey on Inspiring Homes on Life Inspired (Astro CH 728).